London’s uber archaeology unit, Museum of London Archaeology – otherwise known as MOLA (MoLAS basically, without the service) – have announced a new business venture set to take the country by storm. MetroMOLA, a nationwide archaeology company with three regional offices in Birmingham, Manchester and Portsmouth, aim to provide the full range of services typical of most commercial units, but with a unique difference.
MetroMOLA will be staffed entirely by Metros – or ‘Metrosexuals’ – exfoliating, moisturising, super-hairstyling, manscaping, pink shirt wearing, man bag wearing, hygiene conscious male archaeologists, who are also (allegedly) 100% straight.
It’s a London thing.
In a move suggesting the metros might be here to stay, Past Horizons tool store yesterday began selling bumper buckets of hard-hat-proof hair gel. They will also be stocking a new man-about-site/office uniform (below) which will be compulsory wear for all metros employed by the company. As ever, Archtools immediately followed suit.
Taryn Nixon, Managing Director of MOLA, calmed all potential fashion woes, with this quote lifted straight from the press release:
“We value our strong client relationships very highly, and this venture enables us to meet their needs across the UK, blending our skills with their local expertise.”
But when Diggingthedirt interviewed some ‘local expertise’ in the provinces, the invasion of the metros seemed less than welcome.
“I can’t get me head round it,” said Plan-it Bob, an old lag from Warrington, adding, “I’ve only just got used to asking for Latte’s. AND NOW THIS!”
Perhaps holding out for a job with the moisturisers, other locals refused to go on record, instead muttering cynically that the metros were just ‘putting it on’ to woo potential clients.
“Underneath the Calvin Cliens, they’re the same old hairy arsed archaeologists,” commented one anonymous digger, scratching his old hairy arse.
Diggingthedirt says:
Anyone who’s more than a passing visitor to this website will be well acquainted with our raw retrosexual appeal. That’s how we roll. But archaeology’s a broad church, and investment in the hard-hit commercial sector has to be welcomed, wherever it comes from. MetroMOLA, we welcome you to the table.
But please, don’t ask us out shopping.
Are you perhaps a little Londonophobic? Its not all hair gel and cappuccinos you know. Its a very tough place to be, especially for an archaeologist. MOLA’s development is no different from any other unit, Wessex archaeology for example, trying to expand outside of their own established geographical area.
The monkey responsible for submitting this piece says:
“I am a little Londonophobic actually… (I get on the tube everyday and it brings me out in a nasty rash of pastel shades and Italian leather slip on loafers)”
…but here at diggingthedirt we’re not a bit phobic of London units, or their apples and pears.
See the editorial on the last paragraph: we really truly do wish everyone the best of luck with the venture. However, there’s been talk for a number of years from those on the commercial end of the spectrum that archaeology needs to change its image. As well as lampooning a rather silly name, this is simply a spoof of what happens when we pay our Brand Consultants more than we pay our Archaeologists.
Where’s the stuff for the girlies?
Well A. Girlie, there’s no metro uniform for girls because by definition, they can’t be metro. Unless of course they dress like boys, who dress like girls, who dress like boys. Either way, don’t feel left out. Just keep your haircut directional, and no one will know the difference.
Sir/Madam, we are outraged at the implied slur on our hair care products, They were ALWAYS of a quality that could withstand hard hat abuse, and indeed we also stock a large range of hand creams for the gloved, non-gloved and partially gloved hands.
With over 25 years in the MetroArch business, there is nothing we don’t know about anything! Some of our clients can’t walk past a Banana Republic store without making a purchase – and the same is true when it comes to Past Horizons own brand MetroArch wear.
We also do I line of Calvin Klein silk keeling pads.
You will be hearing from our Lawyer (as soon as he comes out the stylist)
Cease and desist my arse!
So sue me!
You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth.
We’re gonna put the system on trial!
Well I never… !! we have never been so amused in our life.
Well not since I read a comment about wellingtons being designed to keep liquid out… however…
In fact, you have now pricked up our ears to the potential and will forthwith throw out the army surplus and stock up on Chinos, urban sandal wear (steel toecapped of course) and a trowel manbag holster.
Be warned, you could have released a monster!
Metro-, trans-, wink-wink-sexual; I don’t care. What I’m worried about is what look to be ICE-CUBES in something that seems to be a pint glass! I have to assume the substance contained therein is not beer.
For shame!