Do you need to get yourself some learning and entertainment?
Are you sick and tired of switching on the TV to see the same old faces, saying the same old things about the same old sites? Then looky here folks: Diggingthedirt is proud to introduce… The Redneck Archaeologist.
Your world will never be the same again.
Let’s face it. Time Team’s toast. Meet the Ancestors has… met its ancestor. And those dingbats in TV land are completely incapable of commissioning an archaeology show without either DOCTOR Alice Roberts or what’s his snatch off Coast. Hairpiece McGee.
Riding roughshod through this parched, withered, TV wasteland comes The Redneck Archaeologist – a time team for our times – led by former stuntman Jackson Burns and his redneck compadres: Jaybob Hagler, Pat Henderson, and Frank Henderson. And joining the good ‘ol boys down the trench (and lending more than a touch of glamour) are their trusty smell hound Geech, Kristina ‘The Legs’ Sedlock (wife slash relation of Frank), and last but my no means least – Maria Ruiz – cute as a sack full o’ puppies!
So what’s it all about?
Before devising, scripting, filming, directing, and producing The Redneck Archaeologist, Jackson Burns had a long and distinguished TV career setting himself on fire and getting kicked in the bollocks. He still lives in the family shack on Rural Route 9, which he shares with his children (Tiffany, Heather 1, Heather 2, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jacob, Jordan, Taylor, Wesley, Rumer, Scout, Gummy Sue, Condoleezza Marie, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Qbert, Phil, Birthday, Crystal Meth, Dubya, Incest, Little Chef, Jitney, Whitney and Britney).
It was here where he developed a loving relationship with his mother (affectionally known as ‘Maw’) as well as gaining an appreciation for archaeology. As the dust jacket to his self titled book notes, Jackson “comes from a background of limited educational and financial abilities, but has adapted himself well to become learned eneough (sic) to have been invited on many important archaeological excavations and field studies.”
Forming a formidable fighting force, Jackson Burns is ably supported by his crack team of kick-ass redneck Ninjas, including:
Jaybob Hagler – the team’s survey and navigation guru (an astonishing achievement given his only piece of kit is an old school mobile phone). Unfortunately Jaybob seems to be suffering from some sort of illness caused by drinking mercury out of a thermometer. This has badly affected his memory and ability speak, which he more than compensates for by communicating exclusively through the banjo.
Pat Henderson – is the most experienced of the rednecks and takes care of everything from ‘Geophysics to Comparative Religion’. Archaeology might be his passion, but 9 to 5 he’s a savagely successful entrepreneur, and currently runs a small family business selling miscellaneous animal parts. He’s also a fifth generation dirt farmer, and owns a successful chain of moonshine stills – darned handy during the obligatory pub scenes.
Frank Henderson – is the team’s history buff. He’s social and hard working, shunning others opinions of him, particularly his relationship with his relative Kristina. His hobbies include whittling “piney babies”, searching for road kill, digging through garbage, and spending time with everyone except Kristina.
When is it on?
Unfortunately, never. The Redneck Archaeologist has yet to be picked up by any of the major networks, but since the first 10-minute taster screened on YouTube last year, it’s been building a cult following round here at diggingthedirt towers. So Turn On, Tune in, and Dig Out. It’s time to settle back and enjoy the show.
Welcome to your new addiction!